Steve Baxley's mind returns tomorrow
SPECIAL EDITION
FROM NAIONAL POST WRITER SCOTT FESCHUK
What this country needs ... by Scott Feschuk
Source : National Post
... is another TV awards show. May we humbly suggest the Scorpios?
Oct 20, 2003
It is time once again for the Geminis (CBC, 8 p.m.), the annual event at which hundreds of awards are bestowed on the scores of people who earn their living in the Canadian television industry. As many as tens of viewers are expected to watch.
In what began in the spirit of collegiality and swiftly evolved to the spirit of outright ridicule before settling nicely into the spirit of drinking spirits, the Members of the Canadian Caucus of the Television Critics Association met last week at a Toronto pub to create an alternative set of Canadian TV awards -- awards that would set out to prove that, contrary to conventional wisdom and years of painstaking research by leading mathematicians, it is technically possible for people to care even less than they do about the Geminis. The ensuing event -- the First Annual Scorpios Gala -- attracted a who's who of hobos, carnival roustabouts and even a polite waitress who stopped by every now and then to tell us to knock it off with the profanity, the death threats and especially the Knowlton Nash impersonations.
In creating the Scorpios, our small group of critics was influenced by the film-mocking Razzies and, to a much greater extent, Irish beer. The Globe's John Doyle was there, and he was dressed ever so dashingly. The Toronto Star's Vinay Menon was there, and he was dressed -- which was a nice change for him. Bill Brioux of The Toronto Sun presided over the affair with a quiet dignity that he somehow maintained despite proposing several award categories that were fiendishly libelous. As for me -- well, I fell asleep at the bar after spending several hours attempting in vain to persuade my colleagues to confer an lifetime achievement Scorpio on Hammy Hamster.
The First Annual Scorpios Gala was not, to our knowledge, televised -- although by virtue of the number of people who overheard us at the pub, the ceremony did get higher ratings than every Canadian show on digital cable.
Votes were tabulated by the prestigious accounting firm Some Guy At the Next Table Who Said He Could Count to Four.
It should be noted that we didn't just accept any ol' suggested category for the Scorpios. For instance, there was little point in creating The Intrepid Newsman Award for Intrepidness when everyone knew it would just go to Peter Mansbridge. It is simply impossible to deny the intrepid intrepidness of a newsman who, 24 hours after Hurricane Juan hit Nova Scotia, anchored The National from Halifax in a bright yellow intrepid rain slicker while several of his (noticeably dry) guests appeared in T-shirts.
At this juncture, I think it's important to remind you, the reader, of one important thing: We are not mocking Canadian television with the Scorpios -- we are mocking Canadian television and several of the people who work in it.
And now, the results of the First Annual Scorpio Awards:
- The "I Can't Believe It's Canadian!" Show that Sucked The Least Last Season: Trailer Park Boys
- Best Performance in a Canadian Show That Sucked The Least Last Season: Mike Smith (Bubbles), Trailer Park Boys
- Top Comedy of the Year: Rex Murphy's hairdo
- Best American Network in Canada: (tie) CTV and Global
- Best Host, Anchor or Correspondent of a Canadian Reality/Talent/Karaoke-Style Series Who is the Son of a Former Prime Minister (Non-Liberal): No winner.
- Best Program to Watch While Under the Influence of Mind-Bending Narcotics. Nominees: a) Escape From The Newsroom; b) The Gavin Crawford Show; c) Lord Have Mercy!; d) The Surreal Gourmet. Winner: What was the question again?
- Best Host of a Late-Night Laser Eye Surgery Infomercial: Albert Schultz
- Best Host or Hostess of a Hosted CBC Segment Award. Nominees: a) Gordon Pinsent, Oct. 24, 8:43 p.m., CBC; b) Gordon Pinsent, April 12, 9:28 p.m., CBC; c) Gordon Pinsent, Feb. 13, 8:03 p.m., CBC; d) Gordon Pinsent, April 1, 8.01 p.m., CBC. Winner: Luba Goy
- Best Photocopy of an American Talent Show Based on a British Talent Show Originally Based on Karaoke: Canadian Idol
- Best Sound of This or Any Year: The "Uh-uh" uttered by a top CBC executive in response to the question: "So, should we renew Tom Stone for another season?"
SPECIAL EDITION
FROM NAIONAL POST WRITER SCOTT FESCHUK
What this country needs ... by Scott Feschuk
Source : National Post
... is another TV awards show. May we humbly suggest the Scorpios?
Oct 20, 2003
It is time once again for the Geminis (CBC, 8 p.m.), the annual event at which hundreds of awards are bestowed on the scores of people who earn their living in the Canadian television industry. As many as tens of viewers are expected to watch.
In what began in the spirit of collegiality and swiftly evolved to the spirit of outright ridicule before settling nicely into the spirit of drinking spirits, the Members of the Canadian Caucus of the Television Critics Association met last week at a Toronto pub to create an alternative set of Canadian TV awards -- awards that would set out to prove that, contrary to conventional wisdom and years of painstaking research by leading mathematicians, it is technically possible for people to care even less than they do about the Geminis. The ensuing event -- the First Annual Scorpios Gala -- attracted a who's who of hobos, carnival roustabouts and even a polite waitress who stopped by every now and then to tell us to knock it off with the profanity, the death threats and especially the Knowlton Nash impersonations.
In creating the Scorpios, our small group of critics was influenced by the film-mocking Razzies and, to a much greater extent, Irish beer. The Globe's John Doyle was there, and he was dressed ever so dashingly. The Toronto Star's Vinay Menon was there, and he was dressed -- which was a nice change for him. Bill Brioux of The Toronto Sun presided over the affair with a quiet dignity that he somehow maintained despite proposing several award categories that were fiendishly libelous. As for me -- well, I fell asleep at the bar after spending several hours attempting in vain to persuade my colleagues to confer an lifetime achievement Scorpio on Hammy Hamster.
The First Annual Scorpios Gala was not, to our knowledge, televised -- although by virtue of the number of people who overheard us at the pub, the ceremony did get higher ratings than every Canadian show on digital cable.
Votes were tabulated by the prestigious accounting firm Some Guy At the Next Table Who Said He Could Count to Four.
It should be noted that we didn't just accept any ol' suggested category for the Scorpios. For instance, there was little point in creating The Intrepid Newsman Award for Intrepidness when everyone knew it would just go to Peter Mansbridge. It is simply impossible to deny the intrepid intrepidness of a newsman who, 24 hours after Hurricane Juan hit Nova Scotia, anchored The National from Halifax in a bright yellow intrepid rain slicker while several of his (noticeably dry) guests appeared in T-shirts.
At this juncture, I think it's important to remind you, the reader, of one important thing: We are not mocking Canadian television with the Scorpios -- we are mocking Canadian television and several of the people who work in it.
And now, the results of the First Annual Scorpio Awards:
- The "I Can't Believe It's Canadian!" Show that Sucked The Least Last Season: Trailer Park Boys
- Best Performance in a Canadian Show That Sucked The Least Last Season: Mike Smith (Bubbles), Trailer Park Boys
- Top Comedy of the Year: Rex Murphy's hairdo
- Best American Network in Canada: (tie) CTV and Global
- Best Host, Anchor or Correspondent of a Canadian Reality/Talent/Karaoke-Style Series Who is the Son of a Former Prime Minister (Non-Liberal): No winner.
- Best Program to Watch While Under the Influence of Mind-Bending Narcotics. Nominees: a) Escape From The Newsroom; b) The Gavin Crawford Show; c) Lord Have Mercy!; d) The Surreal Gourmet. Winner: What was the question again?
- Best Host of a Late-Night Laser Eye Surgery Infomercial: Albert Schultz
- Best Host or Hostess of a Hosted CBC Segment Award. Nominees: a) Gordon Pinsent, Oct. 24, 8:43 p.m., CBC; b) Gordon Pinsent, April 12, 9:28 p.m., CBC; c) Gordon Pinsent, Feb. 13, 8:03 p.m., CBC; d) Gordon Pinsent, April 1, 8.01 p.m., CBC. Winner: Luba Goy
- Best Photocopy of an American Talent Show Based on a British Talent Show Originally Based on Karaoke: Canadian Idol
- Best Sound of This or Any Year: The "Uh-uh" uttered by a top CBC executive in response to the question: "So, should we renew Tom Stone for another season?"
posted by steve @ 12:36 PM
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